5 Ways to Make or Break Female Friendships

I have always had more male friends than female friends, and not just because the former came with certain physically pleasurable benefits every now and again. I used to say it was because guys are simple–they like shootin’ the shit, watching football, and generally having a good time. All things I also like to do.

Still, that guys are simple? Such a lie. And as much as I like to tell myself that the reason I’m not friends with more girls is because girls are conniving–because we like to impress each other, judge each other, debate the relative merits of various nail colors–I am conniving too. Because, guess what, I am a girl too. And yes I made fun of the girl who showed up at my housewarming party and asked, oh-so-condescendingly, “are you Bryan’s girlfriend?”

This is the skinny: I am only friends with girls who own who they are and everything that makes up who they are, and sadly, there are more confused girls than ball-busting girls around. Especially here in Los Angeles where, as far as friendship is concerned, vapidity tends to take the front seat. And so, I present, in my limited knowledge of the female psyche, five rules of etiquette for building lasting female friendships:

1) Don’t sign your emails to other girls “cheers.” I don’t mind if you think “xo” or “xx” is cheesy or too girly or whatever, but even my boyfriend’s mom signs her emails to me “love.” “Cheers” makes me feel like I want to sleep with you and you don’t want to sleep with me and trust me, I have no interest in vagina.

2) Everyone has shitty relationships. You have to have unhealthy relationships to have healthy ones. But a few weeks ago, a girl went on and on about how she manages her fiance’s finances. Technically, I know, this may not be my business. But you did tell me about it, and now I want to know, if you’re so uncomfortable with the state of your relationship, what kind of meaningful friendship could we truly have?

3) I don’t care if you throw your drink in my face so long as you own it. I love bitches. Some of the most dynamic and meaningful female friendships I have are with mean girls. Also, I’m bossy, so I can tell you, bossy does not necessarily equal shallow. Embrace the bitch.

4) Know that age is subjective. One of the most engaging conversations I’ve had since moving to the west coast was with a friend fifteen years my senior. Another was with a woman two years my junior.

5) Respect girls’ differences. I have a very close friend out here who hates the word “slut.” She calls it her trigger-word. I love the word “slut.” I call my boyfriend a pizza-slut, I yell at my friends who are late to parties – slut! Still, I always keep my slut-mouth shut when I hang out with this girl, because she owns her opinions and is therefore the bomb and therefore someone I very much want in my life.

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