Please Help Me Not Kill My Girlfriend, Pilot Edition

Dear Ellyn’s Boyfriend,

My girlfriend writes this blog, and she puts all sorts of stuff on there about me, and then people read it and ask me about it, and I have to explain about how I don’t actually tie her in a chair and force her to watch movies and that I do actually like sports (it’s just that my football team, the 49ers, suck this year). What should I do?

Feeling rather exposed,
Miriam’s boyfriend

Dear Miriam’s Boyfriend,

Why do women whine so much? If you can help me answer this question, I will be forever grateful. Even as I sit here writing to you, helping contribute some quality content to this wonderful blog, I am getting an earful for not typing fast enough. This is actually happening right now. Please tell me how to deal…

Wishing I was deaf right now,
Ellyn’s Boyfriend

Dear Ellyn’s Boyfriend,

Unfortunately I don’t have a PhD in female psychology, so I can’t provide a definitive answer. The usual explanations include unhappy childhoods, lunar cycles, and attachment to losing sports franchises. (I favor the latter explanation.) In practical terms, though, the solution is to just nod your head like you’re paying attention; then, if they repeat themselves and a response seems to be required, mumble “I know, I’m sorry about that,” and go back to whatever it was you were doing before – hopefully drinking bourbon. And if that doesn’t work, that’s why God invented bars.

Hoisting a glass,
Miriam’s Boyfriend

Dear Miriam’s Boyfriend,

I have the same problem. Is it just me, or are all of the stories about us completely exacerbating? Without me knowing, my mom read the road rage edition of the blog last week and now I can’t even get into my car without her calling me and telling me to SLOW DOWN!

I still can’t figure out why neither of our girlfriends can appreciate our shared passion for good movies. I thought it was cool that you took the time to make a list of classic movies for Miriam to watch. They don’t appreciate the classic gangster films or even any of the modern ones (Don’t Be A Menace…). The only movies Ellyn ever wants to watch are rom coms or one of the 238 episodes of Friends. I think we need to get rid of all the rom coms, Sex and the City DVDs and Friends DVDs asap. This way we can gently force them to watch some classic man films.

BTW – Don’t worry about the 49ers. I have been a Lions fan my whole life. If there is anything more brutal than cheering for the worst football team of all time, then I don’t even want to know about it. At least you had Montana to Rice.

Best of luck,
Ellyn’s Boyfriend

(You can stalk Ellyn’s boyfriend on Twitter at @AptinPhilly. Miriam’s boyfriend can be found at @bryankeefer.)

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3 Responses to Please Help Me Not Kill My Girlfriend, Pilot Edition

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention Revenge of the Boyfriends | JFKLAX -- Topsy.com

  2. Tom says:

    This looks like the start of a beautiful bromance…

  3. Pingback: The First (Ever) Night of Hanukkah | JFKLAX

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