Nobody Thinks Your Baby's As Cute As You Do

Especially not us.

I (Miriam) swear the most effective way to prevent teen pregnancy is to put a bunch of teenagers on a plane and surround them with screaming babies. On all sides. For hours. Over multiple flights. Because that’s what happened to me last month and my ovaries have died. Literally.

OK, figuratively. I was never much of a baby person–save for a few of my friends’ very cute babies who behaved well and smiled at me when I held them. I’d get my baby fix (or as my bf, Bryan, loves to put it, “other peoples’ baby fix”) and leave happy because I’d gotten to play with it but didn’t have to go home with it. But this weekend we went to a friend’s party and walked into, oh, four babies, and I sort of wanted to hurl.

I (Ellyn) don’t hate babies or pregnant women. But I do hate when people post photos of their ultrasounds on Facebook and give details about their gyno appointments. It’s really creepy to see exposed pregnant bellies on FB. Actually any exposed belly. Save it for… I don’t know when that would ever be appropriate. There has to be some kind of Mommy forum that was specifically created for this kind of content. Oh wait, there are at least two.

Trust me. All 700 of your “friends” just don’t care that much. And if you’re my best friend, I don’t want to find out these details on Facebook. I want you to email/call me. Not to mention, you’re putting this stuff out into the insecure, bottomless pit of the internet. One day your fetus will be a person, who will not appreciate such sharing.

We don’t want you to get Miriam wrong, it’s fine if your child is well-behaved, bring him/her wherever you please. But if your child is going to quack like a duck while I’m at an In-N-Out, take the bloody screamer home. It was your decision to have a child. It’s your problem, not mine. Same goes with lines. Don’t cut me because you have a baby. That doesn’t make you special.

And Ellyn knows she’s an awful person. And pregnancy is beautiful, and I won’t understand until I’m knocked up. That’s fine. However, I can 200% guarantee that you will never, ever see my pregnant stomach on Facebook. (Miriam’s note: Ha. If anything, I’m terrified of pregnancy and all the health complications that could come with it.)

And while some people, ahem, Ellyn’s boyfriend, think that having kids is “giving the gift of life,” we both think it’s kind of selfish. Not that we can’t see ourselves having them someday. But as Ellyn says: I can’t think of a better reason to have them besides the fact that it would give me something to do for twenty years, more people to hang with on holidays, it’d be cool to see what they look like, and I’d have someone to take care of me and Mr. Giver Of Life when we’re old.

What are the good non-selfish reasons, again? The world isn’t an amazing, wonderful place, so I kind of feel bad about wanting kids. I don’t think there’s some blip in the universe waiting for me to give birth to it.

Miriam put it a little more strongly: So many people have kids in order to validate themselves in some sick way. These people view their kids as extensions of themselves, and then when their kids don’t live up to their expectations, they traumatize them. Often for life.

Maybe it was my upbringing (scratch that, I’m sure part of it was my upbringing, because seriously, what wasn’t), but I’ve never felt an innate desire to have biological children. I’m not necessarily opposed to having children, and I’m still young, but that biological clock thing? Don’t really feel it.

And when all is said and done, what in the hell is wrong with adoption? Two of Miriam’s best friends in the world are adopted and they could not have more wonderful families. In a world that’s rife with overpopulation, and in which existing children need homes, why wouldn’t you give that gift?

Not to go all Angelina on y’all. Because if there is one thing we hate more than screaming babies and naked pregnant bellies, it might just be her.

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12 Responses to Nobody Thinks Your Baby's As Cute As You Do

  1. Kenton says:

    Yo Ellen! (Um, Hi Miriam? I don’t know you, but I guess I’ll introduce myself anyway?)

    This is Kenton. I’m loving your guys’ website! Very cool/funny/well written! Hope all is well with you!


    • ellyn says:

      Thanks Kenton! Long time no see!!!! I see that you posted a blog link of your own! I love it and I’m going to link to it on here.

  2. Mr. Bigglesworth says:

    I agree with Ellyn’s bf (am I allowed to use his name)… Gift of life!

    What’s more incredible than two people who love each other coming together as one for a moment in time to create an actual person??!?!??!

    Answer: Lakers and Sushi… but absolutely nothing else!

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  4. Mummy says:

    Believe it or not, I actually enjoyed having the four of you around! Even with the difficulties and the frustrations, watching you all grow up was fun and very rewarding, and I enjoyed being around you–you were/are all good company. Being a mother has been the best part of my life–so I wouldn’t rule it out too quickly, although I agree that adoption is worth consideration.

  5. j9 says:

    i am actually one of those people that melts every time i see a belly. it’s science! but since you two aren’t with me you’ll enjoy this

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