In honor of that upcoming troublesome holiday (seriously, we can’t decide if we love or hate it), we decided to forgo our usual weekly “Dear” column in lieu of some good old-fashioned Valentine’s Day snark. But never fear! There’s still plenty to mock the boys about.
I heard a rumor that you loved Valentine’s Day as a kid. What’s that about?
Ellyn: It’s hard to say, but I had this sweatsuit, remember those? It was about 1992. Anyway, red pants, and a navy blue sweatshirt with red hearts on it. I wore it every Valentine’s Day until it didn’t fit me anymore. After that I always wore something pink and red on V-Day. Plus my parents always gave us a card and treat with dinner, and then every kid in my class had to give valentines to everyone else in our handmade little paper bags.
And since it was only 10 days until my birthday, I knew I was supposed to be born on Valentine’s Day.
I heard a rumor that you weren’t allowed to celebrate cause it wasn’t Jewish…
Miriam: Yes, Christian martyrs weren’t recognized in my house. We were too busy making martyrs of ourselves.
And all I ever wanted was one of those pink hearts cut out from construction paper!
So those long-term (cough, boring, cough) relationships? Better or worse than being single on Valentine’s Day?
M: You mean Single Awareness Day? Dude, I used to love that day. My girlfriends and I would dress up like tramps–in all black, of course–and go get pizza. I sort of miss it. Maybe that’s because of the two Valentine’s Days Bryan and I have had together, the first I majorly kicked his ass in the gift-giving arena (I was allergic to both the chocolates and the moisturizer he gave me), and the second was right after he had shoulder surgery. A girlfriend and I went to see Valentine’s Day and snuck in a bottle of champagne to down while we watched. We’ll see how this year goes.
E: I always loathed Singles Awareness Day. The only good part was my grandmother’s heart-shaped cookies. I still sort of dread it, because I feel like there’s so much pressure to perform… not that way. But I mean making reservations, buying gifts. It’s too much! If I have to stand in front of a rack of Valentine’s Day Hallmark cards, I break out in hives and want to vom.
So no celebrating then.
E: Well, kind of. Being the bossy Monica that I am, I already told Shaun the plan: I’ll buy steaks and make a fancy dinner at home for us, and he can use my $10 Victoria’s Secret birthday gift card and buy me something if he wants.
M: Saucy. Bryan and I are both starving writers so this year we bought each other toy Angry Birds. He says I can throw them at all my problems. I’m going to throw it at him.
Sigh. My, how little girl’s dreams change!
E: I know, right? As a kid, I literally wanted to get married in the clouds Sleeping Beauty-style. I had a Sleeping Beauty bed with wrap-around curtains, and I was obsessed with love. I played wedding and house pretty much every day. I think I pictured my future Valentine’s Days in Kokomo, dancing under the stars and kissing a lot.
M: First of all, JEALOUS OF YOUR SLEEPING BEAUTY BED. Second, nobody ever ch-ch-chose me! Seriously, making a Simpsons joke? There may not really be a romantic bone in my body. (And now I’m talking to myself.) I do still have some pretty serious dreams about what my wedding dress should like though, does that count?
Any last thoughts?
E: I hate how people spend hundreds of dollars on their significant other, as if that proves your love for each other. But I do love that there’s a holiday dedicated to love, passion, and romance. Underneath all the bitter cynicism, I’m secretly a hopeless romantic. Plus it’s the one day a year (besides birthdays) that you try not to get in a fight with your significant other.
M: Just so everyone knows, I generally ask Bryan’s permission before I abuse him on the blog. I was going to say I always do, but then he corrected me.