Dear Chana, Tali, Susan, and Sarah:
We love being the biggest sister and all, and we definitely love all of you, but we’re getting kind of tired of giving you the same old boy advice all the time. So we thought we’d put together some handy feel-good tips for the blog, and you could all stop harassing us. Sound good? Great.
1. When going through a break-up or dealing with rejection, believe us, you’ll get over him. And when you do, you won’t remember what you liked in the first place. It’s annoying and seems like it takes forever, but it doesn’t. You have to go through this crap in order to get to the good stuff. Oh and it’s not because of you. Don’t let anyone determine your self-worth — we know you’re the most awesome, beautiful, smartest people alive, and we promise a guy will notice that (and be ready to handle it) in the near future. You just have to believe that about yourself too.
2. In college, realize that you’re probably dating guys who are also in college. We know, duh, but we’re saying that 20-year-old guys are children. You can’t expect them to know what you need or want or be in a mature relationship with you. They’re not mature. They don’t know what they’re losing by acting like losers. If you have him in your phone as “DUI Mike” or “Beer Bong Ben,” just delete his number. You’ll thank us, especially when you don’t have to wake up and look at your outbox full of drunk texts you never should’ve sent. (If you’re not convinced, just ask Miriam. She can tell you some pretty horrifying stories.) If he does decide to text you one day, it will be wonderful when you text back, “Who is this?” The best.
3. You might feel like you’ll never find someone decent that you’re also attracted to, but it’s not true. It will happen. Eventually. Ellyn, thought the same thing until just last year. As for Miriam… she finally found someone decent but she can’t get over how unattractive he is… KIDDING. Point is, for some people it takes less time (hate them), and for some it takes much more. But it won’t happen for you until you’re comfortable with yourself and stop obsessing over it so much. Once you make the decision to enjoy your life with or without a guy, he’ll show up.
4. If they aren’t returning your calls or texts… wait, why are you making the first move? No. Never, ever do this. When a guy likes you, he wants to talk to you. End of story. Move on. Oh, and your best chance in life to meet a guy (statistically speaking) is in college. Most people there are single, so get out there and mingle, instead of sitting around waiting for loser-face to text you.
5. Ask questions. When talking to a boy, you are a reporter. Are you married? Are you straight? Are you sure? Do you have a pregnant live-in girlfriend at home? Yes, all questions we wish we’d asked upfront instead of finding out the hard way.
6. No sloppy seconds. Don’t date people your friends have dated. It’s just awkward. And gross. Also it’s really not good for your friendships. And those are far more important in life.
7. No first-night stands. Stick to making out in public places. After that, well, just remember what you give is what you get. Guys are stupid. They take their cues from you. If you’re using them to get some, that’s fine, just don’t then decide you want to have a relationship with him and get mad when he doesn’t. That’s not to say it never works out… but it never works out.
8. Pay attention to the time you text. Before 10 is not an automatic booty call, between 10 and 12 could go either way, and everything after midnight should be translated as “I want to have drunken sex with you.” It does not matter what the text actually says, that’s all it means.
9. Always, always wear a condom. Sorry, but contracting STIs is far too easy. Please be safe.
10. Go with your gut. And by gut, we mean your head, not your heart or your hormones. When in doubt, throw him out.
If we could go back in time, we would tell ourselves to chill out, stop obsessing over that guy, and just have fun with our friends. Although we wouldn’t want to go back in time. It’s much more fun once you learn those crappy lessons the hard way. If you’re going through hell, keep going! And of course, you can still harass us for advice. We’ll just refer you to this post from now on.
Love from your big sisters,
Ellyn and Miriam