Please Help Me Not Kill My Girlfriend, Round 2

Dear Ellyn’s Boyfriend,

My girlfriend has exposed all of my foibles for the world to read (though at least she has the decency to stop at the bedroom door). I’ve had a good dozen friends mention this blog to me, and how much they love reading about how I screw up. For a while, I had them all fooled about how together I am, but now they know the reality. The facade has crumbled.

Aside from changing my bad habits – and let’s be honest, that’s not going to happen – how do I live with the shame? And how can I keep this all from showing up in Google searches?

Publicly chastened,
Miriam’s Boyfriend

Dear Miriam’s Boyfriend,

Sometimes I think we are living parallel lives. lt’s like looking in a mirror, only not. On this weeks episode of blogger boyfriends I need to ask you about your west coast life, because my girlfriend is nagging me to move there. It’s my understanding that you grew up in Cali, moved to NYC, and then ended up back on the west coast in LA. What made you decide to move back to Cali ? What do you miss the most about NYC? Is the west coast really the best coast?

Eagerly awaiting your reply,
Ellyn’s Boyfriend

Dear Ellyn’s Boyfriend,

I did indeed grow up in Northern California (not to be confused with the all-but-independent state of Southern California). Mostly, I moved to LA to break into Hollywood – I’m in the graduate screenwriting program at USC. That, and the fact that it’s sunny 300 days a year. It was like 75 degrees on Monday. I got sunburned in mid-January.

As far as New York goes, there are four things I miss, in descending order:

* My friends in New York.

* Public transportation that gets you where you want to go. (God, do I ever hate owning a car.)

* The coffee. (I’ve only found only two places with good coffee in LA, Cafe Corsa and Intelligentsia, but the latter is harrowingly scene-y.)

* My favorite bars.

Growing up in NorCal, you’re indoctrinated to hate LA, but if you accept it for what it is, it’s actually a great place to live. And I don’t just mean the sunshine – unlike New York, you have space here to be creative and think without spending half your paycheck on rent, getting trampled on the subway, and trying to tune out your neighbors having a sex fight upstairs.

Is the west coast the best coast? I’m not quite prepared to say that yet. But I am definitely enjoying the fact that there isn’t four feet of filthy snow heaped on the sidewalk outside my apartment building.

Warm and dry,
Miriam’s Boyfriend

Dear Miriam’s boyfriend,

Luckily for you I happen to be an expert in SEO, and I can help you make sure that these sometimes revealing blog posts don’t show up when some one Googles you. The first thing you need to do is check and see what happens when you Google your name. I did a quick search and I didn’t find the blog, but I did find www.bryankeefer.com as well as some cool videos of you on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart! That’s awesome dude. I had no idea that you were a best selling author. This whole time I thought I was talking to a regular guy, not a semi-celebrity author. The book looks pretty cool and even though I’m not much of a reader I’m looking forward to reading it. As long as your full name doesn’t appear in the blog too often it will probably never show up on the first page of Google. You should keep adding fresh content and links to your website and blog to make sure that those two sites show up prominently any time some one searches your name.

Living with the shame is something that you and I will have to learn to deal with for now. The good news is that the damage is pretty much contained within the small group of people who have access to this blog. The bad news is that the stupid internet has made this blog accessible to any fool with a computer, smart phone, or tablet with a wifi connection. Hopefully our girlfriends will try not to smear our names too badly. After all, we do occasionally come up with some pretty cool ideas to keep our ladies happy. Maybe one day they will write about those moments.

Humbled by your accomplishments,
Ellyn’s Boyfriend

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This entry was posted in Cohabitation, Los Angeles, New York and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Please Help Me Not Kill My Girlfriend, Round 2

  1. Yer Mom says:

    This post is over the top!!!! I thoroughly enjoyed it.

  2. Pingback: Quarter-Life Crisis? | JFKLAX

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