In Which We Lament the Oscars and Confess Our Love for Star Wars

Ever since we were little girls, we’ve loved the Oscars. The glitz, the glamor… actually we’re not really sure why we adore them so, but we do. Which is why this year we’re especially disappointed. Because everything about the ceremony–from the red carpet to the weird-ass hosting sitch to purple preggers Natalie Portman–SUCKED.

Herewith, the inaugural JFKLAX Oscar Showdown…

Busy Phillips

Ellyn: I’m surprised these women don’t pass out from hunger. They all look so starved. I feel tired watching them. Or maybe I’m just hungry and don’t have any food in the house.

Miriam: Why does everyone look so awful? The only dress I really like so far is Busy Phillips, and she’s just Michelle Williams’ date, and the only reason I know about her dress is because I follow her on Twitter. Lame. Also random — Cheryl Hines. Not sure why she was there or why I saw her dress but I liked it.

Cate Blanchett

Ellyn: You couldn’t pay me enough to wear ScarJo’s maroon lace doily. Or Nicole Kidman’s table runner or Cate Blanchett’s bizarre “Mirror, Mirror on the Wall” get-up. I like Mandy Moore, mainly because I love glitter, but why is she there either?

Miriam: Sorry, but eww. I do love how smokin’ Penelope Cruz is post-baby. Which is saying something. And it’s cute Spielberg brought his daughter. Still, not to beat a dead horse, but I wish Michelle Williams would stop wearing nightgowns everywhere. I want to like her. Really.

Ellyn: Yeah, I miss that simple yellow Vera Wang dress she rocked during the Brokeback Mountain era.

Michelle Williams (2006)

Miriam: Damn, good memory. Umm, did you see Mark Ruffalo’s wife? The bad Roman statue style sleeve? All that talking? And her name is literally “Sunshine.” FTW.

Ellyn: I think I feel threatened by Anne Hathaway. She’s too “ON” and delightful and she makes me feel like a slacker.

Miriam: Girl, please. She cannot deliver a joke to save her life!! Not that icky, creepy James Franco is helping her. He’s doing nothing! I once saw him with four girls on either arm — no joke — and ever since he’s been ruined for me. Ruined.

Ellyn: Yeah, I could do without all of his annoying NYU degrees and other ridiculous overachievements.

Mandy Moore

Miriam: By the way, super pissed that The Kid Are All Right won nothing. Granted the only other movies I saw this year were The Social Network (meh) and Black Swan. Oh my god I HATED Black Swan. Natalie Portman is totally overrated. But really, the movie is just a bunch of psychotic bullshit. I must be the only person in the world who hates it so much.

Ellyn: I frickin’ hated Inception. I tried to watch it twice. The visuals and sound were certainly impressive, but the story was just trite to me. I’m not into sci-fi, unless it’s Star Wars. Yes, I like Star Wars and I’m a dork.

Miriam: Are you kidding? R2D2 is my favorite. I name all my household appliances after him.

Penelope Cruz

Ellyn: On the flip side, The King’s Speech was truly artful. Colin Firth was amazing, and the story was timeless and endearing.

Miriam: Oh! I totally forgot to tell you. This entire frickin’ town shuts down for the Oscars. We haven’t been able to drive crosstown for the last two weeks the traffic is so hellish. And today I tried to get a pedicure at like five different places before finding one that was open. Not cool, Anne and James, not cool.

Ellyn: Wait, Toy Story 3 is nominated? I can’t even remember much about this movie. People said they cried at the end, but I must have a heart of stone because I just didn’t. I really don’t think anything this year was epic.

Mila Kunis

Miriam: Moment of truth. Would you wear Mila Kunis’ dress?

Ellyn: Yes. It took me an hour to decide if I even liked it though.

Miriam: Me too! It’s totally one of those dresses that we’d love and look hot in and the boys would hate.

Ellyn: LOL. Also Halle Berry.

Miriam: So pretty.

Halle Berry

Ellyn: Wow, we actually agree on not one, but two dresses. Better call it a night.

Miriam: God I have so many more mean things to say! Like Gwyneth and Hilary Swank’s “look-I-have-no-boobs” dresses. And Reese’s gross hair extensions. Oh, and some nice things — like Annette Bening and Helen Mirren rock dresses for their age. But yes, Ellyn, you’re right. Better to quit while we’re ahead. Sigh.

For more Oscar pics, check out Vulture‘s great slideshow…

What did everybody else think? Weigh in below!

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5 Responses to In Which We Lament the Oscars and Confess Our Love for Star Wars

  1. ellyn says:

    Re: James Franco. I really think he was high.

  2. Melissa says:

    Please comment on Anne Hathaway’s multiple wardrobe changes. I mean, a few changes would be ok, but this was ridiculous. She must have had a dressing room staff of thousands to make that happen. And the last dress, if you can call it that-looked more like a see thru wetsuit- was really unnecessary. It canceled out the classiness of any of the dresses that came before it and was a gratuitous flaunt of her curves.

    • miriam says:

      OH MY GOD I FORGOT ABOUT ANNE HATHAWAY. Not sure that last one flaunted her curves so much as turned her into a malfunctioning Barbie doll. Also, the dress before that, the purple statue one? What was that thing – latex?!

  3. Melissa says:

    I’m sure I don’t know the name of whatever fabric that was! It was very shiny.

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