The Worst Ever Must-Read Fashion, Sex, and Dating Tips

We actually get our news from Twitter these days – but generally speaking, we don’t read magazines. Miriam subscribes to exactly two: GQ and Los Angeles Magazine, mainly because she likes the features and typically learns a thing or two about food and wine each time she reads. She buys gossip rags at the airport and finds the occasional Lucky pickup handy when browsing for clothes.

Ellyn gets free magazines at work because she’s a media planner, but they’re mostly finance-related (yawn). She reads The Week (for the crossword), The New Yorker and Whole Living (yeah, it’s Martha Stewart. Don’t judge.)

But we never read women’s magazines. We find the features stiff, the writers pigeon-holed… and the relationship advice? Not to tout JFKLAX too much, but let’s just say, we do a better job. So what better way to end the week than make fun of some lady mag tips?

For this very important project, we picked up a Marie Claire, Glamour, and Cosmo. There’s not too much to say about Marie Claire (engagements and babies, the former of which we know nothing, the latter we covered) or Glamour, which was the Fashion issue. Apparently coral and fugly are in. Glamour also says that one way to increase your sex drive is to have more sex. Umm, really?

Cosmo, though, was especially ripe with bad advice, the gem being an entire page dedicated to explaining why wearing a nightgown was a surefire way to kill your boyfriend’s sex drive. Actually, just the fact that you’d consider wearing a nightgown is a sign that your relationship is falling apart.

Thanks, Cracked.com

We get it. Nightgowns are old-fashioned. Slash mainly little girls wear them. And yes, it’s true “there’s an entire industry given over to flirtatious stuff to sleep in,” but the last time we checked, it was expensive and not that comfortable. Wouldn’t guys rather we spend our “flirtatious stuff” budget on actual clothes? You know, ones you see while you’re awake? And yes, we also get that nightgowns are “boxy and shapeless” but aren’t boxer shorts and t-shirts too? And don’t half the boyfriends/husbands in America give their girlfriends/wives their old boxers and t-shirts to sleep in because (gasp) they actually want to? Not that we wear nightgowns. Just saying.

The advice on how to get him to compliment you more, on the other hand, wasn’t half-bad. Miriam has actually made the mistake of guilt-tripping her boyfriend — “I wish you’d tell me I was pretty!” — on one too many occasions. (Damn, did I just waste a potential “Dear Ellyn” feature?) Cosmo says she should get other guys to compliment her in front of Bryan so he’ll get all competitive and compliment her too. Oh wait, she’s tried that. It doesn’t work. But complimenting him is a harmless, good suggestion.

Of course, Cosmo undid any karma points it ever gained in the following “Relationship Bummer” nugget: “Psychologists did extensive research and found that when a friend, sibling, or coworker goes through [divorce], it makes your relationship up to 147 percent more likely to suffer the same fate.”

Here’s hoping none of our friends or siblings ever go through a truly heinous breakup. Because apparently this is how the conversation would have to go: “I’m sorry, friend/sister/coworker who is always there for me, no matter what. I can’t even listen to your problems. Cosmo says if I do, my own relationship will implode. See ya.”

Cosmo also told us we could make a “sexy first impression” when talking to a “hottie” by tilting our heads down and then looking up at him, because if our jaw looks smaller and our eyes look bigger, we might appeal more to his reproductive instincts. He might buy me a drink, casually date me for a while, commit eventually, propose years later and then divorce me. Especially if someone I know also gets divorced.

Thanks for the tips?

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One Response to The Worst Ever Must-Read Fashion, Sex, and Dating Tips

  1. Bryan's Aunt Judith says:

    Dear Ladies,

    Men like getting compliments and then say things like ” I know” when they get them. From decades of experience, it doesn’t generate the return compliment. Women probably get more compliments from other women than significant others. But good humor goes a long way so just keep laughing and when things get tough be very,very polite.

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