The Ones Who Got Away (Thank God)

Most weeks we reserve this space for some gentle mocking of our current boyfriends, but as a measure of our gratitude to them for being such good sports — and mainly, wonderful, supporting partners — we decided to take some pot-shots at our exes. Because come on, what girl hasn’t wanted to exact some public shame and revenge?

Herewith, our top ten most egregious ex offenses:

10. It’s not okay to date someone if you have a pregnant girlfriend at home. Even if you’re about to go to war.

9. You cannot buy three bottles of wine at Valentine’s Day dinner and then get mad the next day when I don’t remember our romantic evening.

8. If you might be bisexual, you’re gay, so no I can’t still be your girlfriend. And no it’s not okay to pretend you’re not just because your parents are Catholic.

7. We may have broken up, but that doesn’t mean you should call me and ask “how many guys do you think a girl has to sleep with before she’s a slut?”

6. Persistence is good, but don’t confuse it with stalking. If I say no next time you ask me out, that means no… forever. I’m not trying to play hard to get. You just can never get me.

5. If you make out with another girl, you will get caught. Especially if that girl has class with me. How convenient that you forgot to tell her we’re dating. Cause now we’re not.

4. Taking smoke breaks every ten minutes during a date makes me think I stress you out. I may be high strung, but you’re just rude.

3. Do not reach for the check as soon as it arrives and then get angry when I thank you and offer to buy you a drink. And then don’t go on about how dinner cost five times your drink. I would’ve frickin’ split the meal with you, jerk.

2. Ellyn has blond hair and blue eyes. So don’t act so surprised when you find out she’s not Jewish or Russian. Definitely don’t walk out in the middle of the date. At the very least, she could have introduced you to Miriam…

1. We may have been stuck at Newark airport, it may have been late at night, and there may not have been any Starbucks open, but you were a stranger. Offering me half your egg sandwich was never sexy.

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