Wedding Season Meltdown(s)

When we were little girls and still believed in fairy tales, weddings were great fun. But now that we’re in our twenties… they kind of blow. Don’t get us wrong, we’re really, really happy and excited for all our engaged friends. Seriously. But we’re a lot less excited about the pressure society – correction, our families – are putting on us to go next.

Ellyn: You know what else I’m not stoked about? Scrounging up six (or more) dresses to wear in the next year. I vote we all have a party and trade.

Miriam: Yeah, I don’t think so. I kind of love the excuses to buy new dresses. Of course, I always tell myself I’ll wear each new dress to multiple events attended by different people… and then I buy another one. My wallet kind of hates me.

Ellyn: Being a bridesmaid, or even just going through a summer wedding marathon, makes a girl think. My rational self says marriage is scary because it can lead to divorce, so I’m in no hurry. But my five-year-old princess wanna-be self can’t help but imagine what songs I’ll play, what colors I’ll feature, and who will be in the bridal party. All of these things I already know for the most part, which is pretty embarrassing to admit.

Miriam: Are you kidding? I know all those things, too. Is it bad that I want my bridesmaids to wear black? Or some kind of sophisticated gray?

Not that he’d admit it, but Bryan is (or will be) fairly opinionated on all these things too. One of the first wedding conversations we had was about religion, and what kind of ceremony we might have. I’ve got to hand it to him, I would never have done as much research about the Jewish wedding ceremony if he hadn’t suggested it. Which is one of the reasons I know he’s the right guy.

Ellyn: Just to be clear, you’re not engaged yet, right?

Miriam: Not engaged. Just sappy.

Ellyn: Yeah you are. It didn’t help when my boyfriend’s grandma told me to pay attention during his cousin’s rehearsal because I could be next. (Even though it was a Catholic ceremony and I’m a heathen dating a Jew.) As Shaun and I approach the two-year mark, it feels like all eyes are on us waiting for the phone call. I know my family will be beyond excited to hear I might actually settle down in a proper, non-living-in-sin relationship. It literally will be a bigger deal than my college diploma. The only thing better would be if I had a kid nine-plus months after the ceremony. And then of course I’d be expected to be a stay-at-home mom and vacuum in heels while roasting a ham.

Oh, and they were upset about the royal wedding, because I was supposed to marry Prince William.

Miriam: Damn girl. And I thought my Jewish family was pushy. It’s not that I don’t want to get married, it’s that I want to do it on my own time. Granted by Jewish family I mainly mean my extended family. My parents would be happy if I took another two-and-a-half years to get there. The longer I wait to hit them up for the big bucks, the better.

Ellyn: It’s terrible how girls are secretly so judgmental about each other’s weddings. “What’s up with that centerpiece?” “I hate when the ceremony is in a church and we have to commute to the reception.” “That color is so 1992.” “Worst DJ ever.” “The photographer is such a dictator.” “The groom… woof!” I’d like to have a destination wedding, but I can hear the complaints already… oh, wait. I’m not even engaged!

Miriam: Yeah, I’m one of those girls. I do have the courtesy to keep it to myself. Also, I’m not nearly that mean. And I would more than happily attend your destination wedding, thank you very much.

Ellyn: There are shows on TLC and such that revolve around rating weddings! What has the world come to?

Miriam: Hey, I love me some Say Yes to the Dress. Binge-watching bridezillas try on wedding dresses literally prevents me from binge-eating chocolate. I kind of want to go to Kleinfeld’s when my time comes.

In all seriousness though, I think all the pop culture judgmental wedding crap is a front for not facing the realities of marriage. Yes, I know, I just confessed my love for one of said judgmental wedding crap things, but when Bryan and I have the serious conversations – from career goals to financial priorities to having (or not having) kids – I turn it all off. Weddings have the potential to be such farces, because people obsess with the fairy tale and don’t think about what happens the day after the wedding, and the month after that, and the years after that. Even when I know my friends are getting married for the right reasons (not that I’m in a position to judge that), weddings – and bachelorette parties and bridal showers and all the rest – freak me out. I don’t want to confuse why I’m doing what I’m doing. Ever.

Ellyn: And we wonder why so many couples get divorced.

Miriam: Elopement sounds more and more appealing.

Ellyn: But it’s never gonna happen.

Miriam: Nope.

Ellyn: I just want to congratulate my friends and enjoy their weddings without being pushed to the finish line. Then again I might change my mind for a diamond.

Miriam: Amen, sister. But whatever – even if we were to get engaged, when would we find the time to get married –

Ellyn: We’re too busy attending everyone else’s wedding.

PS: We know we’ve abandoned JFKLAX for months now, and for that we’re deeply sorry. But life got in the way and we think excuses are lame. So we’re aiming for once a week right now, and we promise to update you at any and all points we post anything whatsoever, good or bad, funny or sad. And if you’re still not getting your fix, follow us on Twitter (@ricellyn, @mdatskovsky). We’re reliably funny. At least we try.

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