New York's Never-Ending Snowpocalypse

Reason #421 I’m moving to California as soon as possible: Snowpocalypse part 5 is predicted to hit New York City this Wednesday.

I have never seen so much snow in my life, and I grew up in Pennsylvania, not Florida. This winter is insane. New York has already gotten 36 inches of snow… in January alone. That doesn’t count the first two feet of snow we got the day after Christmas. That time, the city actually shut down and everyone “worked” from home. Subways stopped working, people got stuck underground, the city didn’t plow or pick up trash, and we all cried ourselves to sleep. Oh wait, we’re still doing that a month later.

It snowed again last week, this time 19 inches, and my flight to Ft. Lauderdale got totally cancelled. Yes, my vacation to the beach and Disney World to escape the snow was cancelled because of snow. I went to the airport anyway, because the flight was merely delayed four hours, and I reasoned that perhaps the snow would just head north, where it’s more welcomed. But no, as soon as I paid my $40 cab fare, they made the announcement: LGA (sorry JFK) to FLL cancelled, next flight out maybe Saturday. Continue reading

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Please Help Me Not Kill My Boyfriend, Monica Geller Edition

Dear Miriam,

I’m definitely the Monica in my relationship. I’m really Type A with OCD, and Shaun is basically the opposite. I need to plan ahead, and sometimes he’ll tell me at the last minute that we have to go to a birthday party or that his friends are coming for the night. Or when I’m thinking we’ll go home after work, make dinner, and watch a movie, he accidentally stays at work playing foosball until 8:30. How do I deal with his impulse non-plan plans without having a nervous breakdown?

Addicted to the calendar,
Ellyn

Dear Ellyn,

A couple months ago, I started writing television. Sitcoms, specifically. (And no, nobody is paying me for it.) Bryan has been writing scripts for almost two years now, and he’s teaching me a lot of the tricks of the trade, but the cold hard truth is that he’s a better screenwriter than I am. (At least for now.) Mainly, he’s so much funnier than me. I know I’m not supposed to compare myself to him, blah, blah, blah, but every time he comes up with a better joke or gets more pages written, I kind of want to smack him in the face.

Help me keep his face pretty please,
Miriam

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'The Kids Are All Right' Has Our Oscar Vote

Full disclosure: We wrote this before the Oscar nominations were announced. Also, we have nothing to do with the Academy. Except when it comes to snarky fashion commentaries.

Miriam: When Ellyn and I were first brainstorming for this blog, one of the first ideas I brought up was The Kids Are All Right. Then by the time we actually launched the blog, the movie was out of theaters and Ellyn hadn’t seen it and well… now it’s Oscar season. And it’s timely again. And we finally have our excuse to write about it.

Movies don’t make me cry very often. Correction: good movies don’t make me cry very often. Crappy, sappy rom-com movies often make me cry but that’s because I have some weird inner girl somewhere inside who doesn’t get out very often. But when I saw The Kids Are All Right back in August, I sobbed from the moment the daughter overheard Julianne Moore and Annette Bening arguing over the former’s affair with Mark Ruffalo to the very end of the movie–and then some.
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Los Angeles and New York Rated Two Rudest Cities? Damn Straight!

Last month, a little magazine called Travel + Leisure ranked the rudest cities in America. We’re not really sure how they did this or who they asked, but the top two results were… drumroll, please… Los Angeles and New York. In that order.

We love it. And we couldn’t agree more.

Seeing as I apparently live in the rudest city in the country now, I’ll go first. This is Miriam, by the way. Before I moved here, I would have told you there was no city ruder than New York. Then again, I would’ve told you spending $2,600 a month on 425 square feet on the Lower East Side was a steal too. I adore the rudeness of New York. I loved that I could walk around, hateful as all hell, and no one gave a shit. That I could cower behind a huge pair of sunglasses or yell my head off at the guy trying to cut the cab line at JFK and be applauded doing it. Yes, New Yorkers actually rally in their rudeness together.

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Toddlers & Tiaras: It's Vegas Babies!

http://static.discoverymedia.com/videos/components/snag-it-player.html?network=tlc&clipRefId=f350bd4b18359a75fce99086ce6fe6de72306524&auto=no
Ellyn: My first reaction was OH MY GOD. Are you kidding me???? And the little infants were so embarrassing. They can’t even walk, and you’re toting them around the stage in a showgirl outfit in Las Vegas?

Miriam: I really can’t decide what’s worse in that episode… the military father who is obsessed with his daughter winning (so creepy) although really she was the least effed up of the three girls or TLC’s attempt to show that poor people from Los Angeles can’t keep up with rich people when it comes to toddler beauty competitions and that’s class discrimination. I mean, it is, but seriously TLC can you not take anything more seriously?
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Our Anonymous Astrology Guru Confirms We're Still Pisces, Says to Ignore Daily Horoscopes

When we heard the news that the Zodiac had change, we both flipped. After all, we’d always sort of assumed one of the reasons we share so many eerily parallel life experiences was the fact that we were born just four days apart. Turns out we we were right – a quick session with our anonymous astrology guru revealed we (and every other Pisces) can rest assured the signs haven’t changed, that daily horoscopes are full of crap, and that the planets can be blamed for our darling mothers.

Are we really not Pisces anymore? We’re freaking out. We identify with being Pisces so much!

Ah yes, the whole “there are now thirteen signs!” panic. Never fear: all we’ve actually learned is how fast an inaccurate news story can fly around the mainstream media. The Western Zodiac, which is what most astrologers use, is a man-made system based on the earth’s seasons, unlike the Sidereal Zodiac, which is based on the positions of the stars. Therefore nothing has changed, and I give you permission to remain your neurotic, fishy Pisces selves! As the wonderful Astrobarry says: “There is absolutely no new news being reported here. The gap between (1) the constellations’ positions and (2) the celestial regions that comprise the signs, now approximately 23 degrees, is something any credible astrologer already knows about.”

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Please Help Me Not Kill My Boyfriend, He's So Well-Behaved!

Dear Miriam, 

You know how sometimes girls get together and complain about guys? Well most of the time I really don’t have anything bad to say about Shaun. I trust him, he hardly ever wants “boys night,” and he’s really good at getting over arguments right away. I hate to be that girl with the “perfect” relationship, but I don’t want to make up complaints, just so I can join into the conversation. What should I do? 

For once I’m not whining, 
Ellyn

Dear Ellyn,

For the most part, our age difference doesn’t really show, but every now and then when we go out on the town, Bryan wants to go home say two or three hours before me. I know I can always go out alone, and I do, but I want to party with him!

Trying not to feed my boyfriend uppers,
Miriam
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The Jersey Shore Situation

The Jersey Shore, b*tch! Similar to most Northeastern Americans, I’ve been going to the Jersey Shore every year since the beginning of time (1985). As I said in a previous post, my boyfriend is from a town about 15 minutes from the shore and 30 from THE shore….Seaside Heights. He sometimes reminds me of Ronnie (obviously NOT the bad qualities, such as cheating and being an all-around man whore. I actually can’t pinpoint what it is exactly, but something). When he sees them all partying at Karma, he says, “I want to go.” I say, “oh my God. I don’t.” Oh, and we met at the Jersey Shore, even though you’re not supposed to fall in love there, according to Ronnie. Hopefully I’m not as much of a Debbie Downer as Sam. However, (it has to be said), we did have a run-in with the cops immediately following our first kiss, which was in fact on the beach. Something about “creating a nuisance.”

Did I ever have a summer even remotely similar to these eight upstanding citizens? No. In high school, I spent a week at a time in the dry town of Ocean City at church camp.
What’s the opposite of Snookie and The Situation? Probably Jesus freaks. Continue reading

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Golden Globes: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Ellyn says, as a film major drop out, I live for this stuff. I once collected movie stubs with my best friend, with the ultimate plan of making our first Oscars dresses out of them. I might have enough for a bikini by now. Which is fine, because I need more time to start my screenplay and then finish it.

First, I think if I lived in LA, I would try to crash this shindig, or at least an after-party. Miriam, get on that on my behalf please.

(Miriam’s note: As a gossip addict, I also live for this stuff. And please, lady, I crashed a Mad Men party in New York two years ago. Been there, done that, you can do it too.)

But more importantly, on to the first ever JFKLAX Golden Globes fashion wrap-up:

If only I could spend my entire rent check on that dress…
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We Know You Miss Us Terribly…

As soon as we catch up on work, cure our colds, and recover from the holidays, we’ll be back. This is just a very brief hiatus, and it’s not that we’re out of ideas (the snarky witticisms are truly bottomless.) We’re just crazed and stressed and full of excuses.

If you’re extraordinarily impatient and/or disappointed, please check out our blogroll to the bottom right. I’m sure those writers are far more motivated and entertaining this week. Apologies, but stay tuned. We have a hot little number about The Jersey Shore coming up and a few things up our sleeves for Golden Globe/Oscar season.
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