When I was little, I was not a fashionista, I was a trashionista. There was a time when both the models in Land’s End catalogs (my mom used to dress me) and Alloy (and then I rebelled and encountered black lace) looked better than me. Needless to say, my taste has since evolved to something far more sophisticated. Which might be why every time I see a skank in LA, I laugh heartedly. Out loud. Or it could just be because there are so many skanks in LA. Or because so many of them are over forty. Herewith, the top five skankiest skanks of LA:
1. The Mom Skank. Picture a woman in pleather over-the-knee stiletto boots, a black mini-mini skirt, and bejeweled tank top. Pushing a stroller. I saw her last weekend in Malibu.
2. The Forever 21 Skank. You know how all the dresses at Forever 21 are made out of that cheap stretchy material so even when they are supposed to be fancy they look cheap? And they don’t really hold boobs or rolls of fat in place? Girls in LA think those look classy.
3. The Forty-Something Butt Skank. When you wear jeans, you must also wear underwear. Otherwise you may wind up with some unpleasantly damaged goods. Or you might damage my eyes when your jeans fall down and I can see the entirety of your hairy butt crack. And sweetie, while your husband did notice, he did not say anything to you about it. Wake up and smell the divorce papers.
4. The Bleach-Blond Pink-Juicy-Sweatpants Skank. Junk in the trunk is a beautiful thing… when properly accessorized. Having JUICY spelled out in your ass and highlighted in baby pink? Not so much. Especially when you also die your hair so bleach blond you can see your dark roots peeking out all around your ponytail. I’m sorry, I couldn’t tell you were so desperately NOT A CELEBRITY.
5. The Boots-Go-With-Shorts, I-Swear-They-Make-Me-Hot Skank. This might be my all time favorite LA skank. I could almost get on board with the idea of wearing boots in sixty-degree weather; after all, what is a girl to do with a well-honed boots collection when the coldest it ever gets is sixty degrees? But boots and shorts don’t just make you look skanky, they make you look stupid. Like you forgot to put on half your pants that day. And do not even get me started on the fact that you consider yourself a hipster. Brooklyn is 3,000 miles to the east.
P.S. Ellyn, having been in NYC for the last twenty-four hours, I can safely say you missed the “eye glitter combined with North Face fleece” faux pas. So glad I moved.